I have tears

Written as I soared through the skies on a one-way ticket from my hometown of Seattle to my new home in San Francisco.

There’s been so much to write about this move and everything I’m leaving behind and looking forward to that I haven’t found many words to say at all. And now that my house has been packed into a green Mayflower truck and I’m quite literally in the sky, I feel the need to reflect on this relentless knot in my throat.

All day I’ve felt the tightening and loosening, the gripping ebb and flow of emotion that threatens to unravel my composure without my permission.

Then again, it feels good to cry. A helpful sort of pain. Like a long deep stretch after a long deep sleep.

I’ve had the urge to spread my wings and make a home in California for years. My whole life has been leading up to this point.

And yet. My heart hurts to leave my family and friends, the life and community I’ve built in Seattle for the entire duration of my adult life thus far. I love so many people with such a ferocity that a part of me wishes none of this was happening at all.

I stopped writing to cry and Giovanna caught me. She said, “I looked at you and you had tears and now I have tears.”

She told me she missed Grammy which of course made me miss my parents terribly and I just had lunch with them today. I have the most wonderful and supportive parents and I owe it to them to not just make the most of this move but to be happy. Because what more could you possibly want for your child? They gave me unwavering roots and now it’s time I put my foundation to good use by digging deeper and reaching higher and stretching further than before.

Wish me luck, dear readers. And if you have any tips on living the good life in San Francisco, tell me in the comments or email me at lucymiller7 [at] gmail.com. I’m all ears.

These photos have no filter like these words.

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3 thoughts on “I have tears

  1. I miss you. I have to admit I have had some very selfish thoughts about you moving. Now, I am not the only one “away”. The black sheep who left everyone behind on every holiday, birthday, and milestone. “Ruining” it for everyone. I find your admission to this club comforting and I feel guilty about it. I am glad you are a little bit closer to me, and that we can share in the ups and downs of “away”. Told you it was selfish. Sorry.

    I hope that we can meet up in Japan soon. Starting over in a new place is damn hard, especially with kids. It was so easy when I was single- new job, new place, new instant friends at work. Guam has been a rough move for me, and I continue to miss “home”. I think it’s necessary to work HARD not let let yourself miss what came before, and to search out new distractions and build new relationships. The spontaneity that drove my “single” foreign adventures has been noticeably absent from this journey with a one year old. But, I too, am learning to re-embrace the unknown (and drag my child in circles around the island). So, walk down the roads you haven’t explored, talk to EVERYONE that looks remotely friendly, and make date afternoons, and date nights sacred. Also, find a spot or activity that brings you great peace. A grown-up fort, a reflecting spot, and cherish the time to stop and think. Gaze out and remember how lucky we are. Works for me anyways. Great, now I am crying too. Miss you. Give my nieces kisses for me. I better go sit on my patio and think peaceful thoughts.

    Love,

    Your Favorite Sister

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  2. Welcome welcome to San Francisco! I have LOVED seeing your posts on Instagram these last few weeks. Makes me see my own city in a new light. Let’s definitely meet up at the playground just as soon as I get this baby out of me, lol. Hope you are settling in!! xox

    Like

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