The Summertime Blues

Before I get deeper into these 30 consecutive days of blogging, I need to come clean about something.

Motherhood has, as of late, turned me upside down. I guess I had it coming. When I became pregnant for the first time at a young age, I didn’t have cold feet about becoming a mother. I didn’t fear losing my freedom nor my body. I had a doctor who interpreted most of my pregnancy as having the potential to go very wrong, yet I carried to term and I gave birth quickly and easily, with the help of a doula rather than drugs. I nursed easily and my baby was healthy and I did not suffer from postpartum depression. My “pre-baby body” returned, I ran my organic tea business out of my home, and all was good. I was simply happy to be a mother.

It was all so good. And now, it’s harder. A lot harder. Instead of leaping through joyous meadows as I once did (literally! Have you heard of stroller strides?), most days feel like slogging through mud studded with sticks and thorns. Similar to years past, I’ve chosen to keep my daughters and stepson at home this summer. Since we have limited time with our son, I like for him to have this quality time with his sisters. I want them to grow up and feel like they grew up together. I want to see them work together and play together and imagine together and create together. So I’ve eschewed camps and the like in favor of togetherness.

I have a love-hate relationship with my sentimentality, and my ambition as a mother and stepmother. Taking care of these children is not simple. I wrestle with my mistakes. I feel shame over my failures. I question my choices. I wonder about my true desires and my ultimate path and how I arrived here, Now.

Why is the universe making a full-time “student” out of me when I am already a full-time mother? Am I uncomfortable because something isn’t right, or is the discomfort a by-product of transition and deep immersion learning? What am I learning anyways?

I am learning about peace.

I am learning about patience.

I am learning about consistency.

I am learning about systems.

I am learning about human nature.

I am learning about control.

I am learning about management of people, time and resources.

I am learning the necessity of self-care.

I am learning that we must get out of the house.

I am learning the therapeutic value of a well-timed glass of wine.

I am learning that equanimity is the goal no matter how lofty.

I am learning about forgiveness of myself and others.

I am learning how to be stretched on a daily basis.

Since I have a long-burning flame of desire for personal growth, I suppose this is exactly what I wanted. I guess I thought it would look different. Perhaps that’s the point.

This is day 5 of 30 consecutive days of blogging. I’m glad you’re along for the ride. If you liked this post, please share using the buttons below. If you have something to add, feel free to comment openly or anonymously.

To read more of my thoughts on motherhood, mindfulness and the creative life, please follow the blog or subscribe via feedburner.

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