The heat starts belly deep, an anger that simmers and speeds up my internal rhythm before reaching through my heart to kill a part of me softly, slowly. The death of the Ego. The beginning of Equanimity.
Overthinking can kill a woman. Anxiety drowns her good intentions. Worry clips her patience, neatly, savagely. Striving holds her hostage, ambition blinds her then steals from her. Ego, edging God out. God, God, God. There’s God inside of you and God can help you. God is You. God does not lose focus nor the way. You were made manifest by God. God gave you these struggles for growth and God wants to help you heal.
A Course in Miracles defines a miracle as a shift from fear to love. One night last week, I asked my prayer warriors for help. The next morning at 9 am, I experienced a miracle. A change that happened inside of me, compassion replacing anger. It was a Come-To-Jesus-Moment, and I came.
There’s still work to do. There’s a daily practice of remembering who I am deep down (a child of God), who I am not (my earthly form), and what matters (Now). Every day we must wake up on that day. What happened yesterday has no bearing on what happens today. Let us leave yesterday where it belongs. Let it be and let it go. Likewise, what happens tomorrow cannot save us today.
I keep thinking I need to change myself radically (and magically) in order to fill the gap between who I am and who I want to be. Perhaps the goal is not complete unflappability, but a willingness to move on. Perhaps the gap can only be bridged by absolute forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness we know as small children, yet forget as we age.
Last weekend I attend a HeartMath Workshop by VeraHeart*. They offer clients profound tools for maintaining coherence by returning to a heart-centered breath. They turn the old adage, “take a deep breath,” into a transformational portal by giving the science behind it (it has to do with Heart Rate Variability), technology to track your progress, plus coaches to help you practice.
When we focus on breathing deeply into our hearts, the heart rate finds a balanced rhythm. Research shows the massive benefits of meditation, of quieting the mind using the breath. Thoughts stop commanding attention, we stop working for our thoughts. We can just be, which allows space for perspective. Perspective brings forgiveness; we need not harbor regrets and guilt because we are given the gift of a fresh start in every moment. Every moment has the power to open our eyes to the illusion of separateness and the bliss of Oneness, the infinite possibility of Now.
It’s not that I think we should be perfect so much as I sense that we already are.
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*I have no affiliation with VeraHeart, but I do recommend you look into their workshops happening around the Bay Area, the cost of which is often reimbursed by companies.