“There will be periods when you are highly active and creative, but there may also be times when everything seems stagnant, when it seems that you are not getting anywhere, not achieving anything…Many illnesses are created through fighting against the cycles of low energy, which are vital for regeneration. The compulsion to do, and the tendency to derive your sense of self-worth and identity from external factors such as achievement, is an inevitable illusion as long as you are identified with the mind.” – Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now
Since becoming a stay-at-home mother, I’ve struggled to believe that I am enough.
I believe there is no job more important than mothering (though there are many jobs just as important), yet I have so often discounted it. It was not enough for me to be just a mother, even for one day. I struggled to enjoy my life as a being. I had to be doing, whether it was working in my home-based business, cooking and cleaning, writing a novel, pitching an article, or posting a blog.
When I have those slow days in which being/caregiving/mothering takes up all my energy, by the afternoon, I feel a restless longing for productivity and creating. Without this evidence of my doing, I feel like a smattering of empty space.
But the space between my atoms are larger than the size of the atoms themselves. When it comes down to it, I am vibrating empty space. The physical body is an illusion.
“Reality is merely an illusion. Albeit a persistent one.” – Einstein
I AM empty space.
This is not good or bad, it simply is. I am the force that is vibrating. I am the observer of the present moment. I am here, witnessing through the vessel of this illusive and elusive body, Being.
“God, too, is no-thing.” – Eckhart Tolle
I am trying to understand that God does not want me to do all the time. God did not intend for me to have all the laundry done, ever. (Every second of every day, there are people dirtying clothes we must wash.) God does not want me to suffer beneath the weight of my work. God gave me passion to enrich my days, not rule them. Ideas gestate in the stillness of Being.
I am finally giving myself permission to relax into what is. To love what is. The clutter and the unpublished manuscripts and my long chipped toe nails. It is true, my childrens’ nails are freshly clipped and per their request, painted, and there is much to be grateful for.
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