33 confessions

For the sake of vulnerability and truth, I’m going to take the occasion of my 33rd birthday to get 33 things off my chest:

  1. The force that drives me to write and compose and create is not comfortable. It’s nagging and persistent and generally unsatisfied.
  2. I loved being pregnant. Every day I felt completely purposeful and miraculous, my body engaged in the creation of a conscious being.
  3. Sometimes I’m very angry. Like there’s a bottomless pit of anger below me.
  4. Always I’m very blessed. Like there’s an infinite beam of light above me.
  5. Every night, I go to bed humbled. I hope this humbling has a purpose, like laying a foundation for expansive growth.
  6. I’m trying my hardest, but it doesn’t always feel like my best.
  7. Non-attachment seems impossible.
  8. Life is beautiful and I want to give back. I want to contribute to the greater good. I worry that I will fail, that I won’t do enough to make the world a better place. This stems from the fear that I am not enough.
  9. I am enough.
  10. Two quotes that are important to me: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”  – Marianne Williamson“Never give up.” – the Dalai Lama.
  11. I’m “homesick.” But friends and culture and sunshine make my life here beautiful.
  12. I’m a Francophile. By chance, my daughter landed in a public school where the second most commonly spoken language is French. (How many public schools in America can say that?) But I am terrified of speaking French after so many years of not speaking it. So I remain quiet, listening, and I hope this is why I landed here. Not to speak, but simply to listen.
  13. Going to work is easier than staying at home with the kids (for me).
  14. People blow my mind on a regular basis with their own confessions. I am flattered to receive them and keep them safe.
  15. My daughters showed me that I was wrong about my eyebrows.
  16. My beloved grandfather wrote a poem about me when I was little, observing how I liked to stay home and read a good book. Some things never change.
  17. The only time I ever drink too much wine is in social situations. I know I’m not alone.
  18. I believe that synchronicities are like clues.
  19. I knew my husband on a superficial level for about a year before we suddenly became very interested in one another. In all that time, I never knew he had a child. When we started dating and I learned that he was already someone’s daddy, it was like finding the missing piece. Maybe it was the way he said it.
  20. I’m addicted to my phone. I use it for so many things.
  21. I worry all the time about what kind of example I’m setting for my kids.
  22. I wear an Apple Watch because it’s convenient and I need all the help I can get to stay in the loop with both work and my family. But I worry that it’s turning me into a computer. I also worry about the electromagnetic fields.
  23. I worry about a lot of stuff.
  24. I’m hoping for some kind of enlightenment now that I’ve reached the age that Jesus was when he died.
  25. I’m currently at work on a short film along with two amazing women who inspire me greatly.
  26. I used to think I had my life together. And then I became a mother.
  27. I always wanted to be a mother. I never thought it would happen so young, but I am grateful every day that it did.
  28. It doesn’t bother me when city people are judgmental of young mothers, which happens more than you’d think, explicitly and implicitly. But it bothers me when they don’t give me a chance because of it (which is much rarer).
  29. I was too shocked and awed to cry during and after giving birth. Now, I can’t read a birth story or look at birth photos without that familiar swell of emotion and wetting of eyes.
  30. Life goal: To write stories that captivate and change people.
  31. I’ve written a staggering number of words and stories that are sitting on my hard drive; I am calling them a self-study in the art of fiction.
  32. I watch very little TV and few movies because I love books and writing so much.
  33. I deleted some confessions and had to replace them.

Flying a kite in San Francisco on my last day of being 32.

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